you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
