Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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