I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
