My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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