bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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