omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
