I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
