Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
