I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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