chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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