THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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