every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
