If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
