i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
