Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the day after is always just damage control
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
