got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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