hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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