cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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