Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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