So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
