drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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