The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Randomize
