you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
