Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
