who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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