the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
