I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
