the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
