I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
