: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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