i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
