I haven't been this sober since birth.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
