Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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