My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
