I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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