There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
