I think I died a long time ago.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
