My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
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