i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
