I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
