It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
