god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
