Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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