I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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