I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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