Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
