If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
