you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
