you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
