Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
