I CAN MOONWALK!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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