I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
