I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
