I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
